How to Be Awesomely Unsuccessful

Yep, you heard me right. I am feeling pretty devilish these days. So today, I tell you — Do the following if you want to be adroitly unsuccessful, disgracefully evil, or famously infamous.

Pay no Attention to Anything
This world sucks, and everyone’s going to die anyways. Even the earth may explode, or the sun will die eventually. Why should you give a damn?

Think Only of Yourself and Your Own Desires
Galileo was wrong. You are the center of the universe.

You Know Everything
Albert Einstein’s got nu’ting on you.

Listen Naught
“What? What’d you say? And don’t answer cuz I don’t really give a crap and I only hear what I want to hear anyways.”

Insult Whoever Crosses Your Path
Use your best rhetoric to defame and criticize. Lift yourself up by stepping on others. Easiest way to get to the top. Oh, who needs friends?

Blame, Blame, Blame
It’s never your fault, whatever happened. It’s always someone else, something else that caused the problem cuz they are all stupid compared to you.

Be Intractable
Change is for losers, like the dude who writes at Piggy’s Blog. You are just fine the way you are. No matter how unhealthy, how irresponsible, how angry, how hateful you maybe. You are just being your unsuccessful self. Be like that until you die.

Be Dishonest
Lie your way through any situation. Make promsies that you will never fulfill. Never do what you say. Yay.

Nothing is Possible
Quit at the first sign of failure. Give others no chance to call you out. Actually, don’t bother trying because at the end of the day, it requires too much time, effort, money, and discipline.

Hate
Nothing motivates like hate does.

Complain
Best way to solve a problem – complain until someone fixes it. Even if no one does, ‘es still da best kind of therapy.

Ignore any Problems
If there’s a problem, sweep it under the rug and it’s gone!.

Use not Your Brain but Violence
Trust your gut. If you feel like giving somone a black eye, go right ahead. If you think your kid needs a good thrashing cuz they are too annoying, grab the metal folded-chair and whack away. Show no signs of mercy or kindness, it will only hinder your journey to unsuccessfulness. Nothing solves problems like violence.

Kick ‘em When They’re Down
What can be more joyful than making other miserable and being the audience. Prepare some pop-corns. Get the honey-glazed ones, and save some for me. Yum!

Never Exercise
Doctors and technology can always fix me up. If nothing, there’s still cosmetic surgery. Eh, worst case, I will just die. We all do anyways.

Well, that was fun, and I wish you best of luck. Work at it hard enough, and you may just achieve the rank of satan-hood!

Feel free to add to the list through comments.

Category: Rhapsody, Thoughts

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